'It irks me everytime you remind me that you're coming home. Cos i noe all plans are fucked. All Thanks to you'.

When the love of your life says something like that to your direction, they don't have to say anything else. It's clear enough. It also means there's nothing left for you. You blew it. You were blessed with the most perfect partner in life but it's physically ingrained in you to hurt her and disillusion her. After this you don't deserve anyone anymore. Perhaps it's fitting that i'm leaving a place where no one loves me to a place where no one wants me anymore. Perhaps i'm destined to lead life alone and wondering. I can't erase her pain cause it's not possible anymore. She can't look me in the eye without having doubts about me because it's not possible anymore. She Loves you but does she wants you anymore? Questions are the bane of a Grade-A Asshole.

As i sit here, typing blood is slowly filling up the inside of my mouth. There's no where to spit the blood out so i swallow mouthful after mouthful. Doctors say that if you swallow enough amount of blood, you could pass out. It looks like a ready-made punishment for Assholes like me. The first rule of being and Asshole is that you stop being one. I broke that rule. I remain as one. Everytime i feel like one, i pray, i recite my prayers. But the prayers no longer give me peace and i can no longer reflect. It seems God played a sick joke when he decided to make me. A walking, talking and breathing example of a man who has been damned from the get go. Destined to be alone and destined to hurt others. I can just imagine God saying, "Look everyone, if you want an example of an Asshole and the Damned, look no further than Hafiz Suhaimi".

Baby, if you still allow me to call you that, i know you like dancing and clubbing because it de-stresses you and it helps you forget your worries in life. You'd need it in abundance tonight. I just would like to make 1 last request. Please don't forget me when you're clubbing tonight. Baby, I hope you still wear our ring. It's the only thing that binds me to you and the moment. I hope you still consider yourself as a married woman. I still hope you still regard yourself as my wife.

I want to apologize to everyone for hurting your Aisyah. I want to apologize to your best friend, Farinah who has helped you a great deal, to yan and yat, to Ice and Izzy, To Mak, Kakak and Bapak and the kids. I never meant to hurt you Aisyah everyone. When she introduced me to all of you, i was honoured. As i got to all of you better and became closer, i felt like all of you were like my family too. If i can no longer be part of your family, i gladly accept your decision. I shall make a personal apology to everyone when i get back. Even if none of you want to see me anymore, please grant me 5 mins of your time to allow me to apologize for hurting Aisyah.

Please forgive me